Yesterday Leah and I saw a strange commercial on TV.
It consists mostly of shots of Helpful Questions and Women In Action, in front of white backgrounds, looking determined and exercising and so on. The voiceover and text say things like: "It's time for a revolution. Are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you ready to make changes that stick? Are you ready to avoid eating too much fat?" And so on. "Man", I thought to myself, "Either this is a really good Public Service Announcement to help Americans stop being incredibly obese.. or.."
And then: "Are you ready... for alli?" Aha: it's a weight-loss drug. But I remember hearing about this from someone - it's been available over-the-counter in Australia since 2003. "This is the weight-loss drug that makes you shit your pants!" I laughed. Leah and I scrambled to The Internets to confirm this fact.
So, looking into the section entitled "how does it work?" we find this gem: the treatment effects page.
"Treatment effects". That is so beautiful. It's not just a clever euphemism for "side effects" - oh no, because these are the intended effects of the drug. The drug is designed to make you shit your pants. Shit yourself thin! The little brown pill that works wonders!
Let's examine this page further.
What are treatment effects?alli™ works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects. You may get:
- gas with oily spotting
- loose stools
- more frequent stools that may be hard to control
"oily spotting" is a phrase I'd like to never hear again, thank you. And "more frequent stools that may be hard to control" - at this point they're still pretending like you might not shit yourself uncontrollably. It's just, you know, possible that you'll be unable to keep from shitting yourself.
"Nothing to be alarmed about! You want to lose weight, don't you? Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs - a little bit of pants-shittery is a normal part of every weight-loss plan!"
Lies! Let me tell you this true fact: Once I was potty-trained - and believe me, it was an epic battle - I never shat myself again. Never! Pants-shitting is not normal behavior for anyone who has mastered the intricacies of using a cup.
I am never eating pizza again. Congratulations, alli™, you may actually help me lose weight after all.
What to expect
The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.
Learn more about following a reduced-calorie, low-fat diet.
Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:
"Learning how to manage treatment effects" - by which they mean "learning how not to crap your pants". In fact, GlaxoSmithKline, I already learned that once. Here's something I could learn to manage instead: losing weight by occasionally eating a god-damned vegetable.
- Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over
"stay close to home" - I think they mean "stay close to the toilet". "Make the timing work for you" is some ridiculous advice in this context - the drug works by making you crap yourself uncontrollably. You've pretty much given up control over "timing". Your pants will be filled with poop when alli™ decides it's a good idea. This will help you become thinner. Certainly don't leave the house to, you know, go exercise or anything. No. Keep buying our pills and our convenient new alli™-brand Disposable Pants.
The implicit message here: If you snack at night you will shit the bed.. Think about that one for a while.
- While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings
- You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day
- You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
Bring a change of clothes to work? Seriously, batten down the hatches, fattie, because you are going to shit your pants.
I can't imagine ever being OK with this. If you shit your pants at work, you should consider that your resignation letter. Pack up your things and go home. You are done.
- You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Hahaha! Really, alli™? Is the bathroom really the best place to go when I feel like I might be about to crap myself? That is highly unorthodox, but it might just work.
Actually I don't think the bathroom is the best place to go. Probably the best place would be a solid gold bathroom, with servants who will wipe your bottom for you, and a library of up-to-date reading material, and a quality selection of cakes and cheeses to eat while on the toilet. Since you're going to be there indefinitely.
- You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce
Yes - keeping a food journal will help me realize that foods high in fat make shit appear in my pants - which means I should not eat them!
Call me crazy, but rather than taking a pill and then checking for poop in my pants to tell whether foods are fatty, I might be tempted to read the information off the label. And maybe even exercise occasionally.