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cowofdoom

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Happy Holidays. [Dec. 17th, 2008|02:07 pm]
cowofdoom

Slow Motion Punches to The Face from Eduardo Wydler on Vimeo.
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Financial End Times [Oct. 2nd, 2008|05:10 pm]
cowofdoom
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Mood |rantalicious]
[Current Music |Godspeed You! Black Emperor – The Dead Flag Blues]

America's in trouble. We know this. Our financial sector is collapsing while we continue to bankrupt ourselves funding a war we should never have begun. The super-rich are becoming mega-super-rich while ordinary people can't afford doctor's visits. Paris Hilton is still on television. It goes on.

But if you ask me - and I know you didn't, but that's OK - all America's current crises are just later-stage symptoms of a disease that passed the point of treatment years and years ago. I can even give you a date: the incipient Fall of the American Empire began on March 23, 1995, the day Pizza Hut introduced the Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Quoting a New York Times article from March 24:

"The American consumer has been returning to the hamburger because beef prices are down," said Roy Burry, a securities analyst for Oppenheimer & Company. "The stuffed crust gives Pizza Hut a real leg up on the other chains and the mom-and-pops, because a lot of people don't eat pizza crust because they don't like it."

Yes. This discussion actually happened, between a New York Times reporter and a Securities Analyst. Roy Burry's job was to analyze the market value provided by fucking pizza with fucking cheese in the crust, as compared to other meaty food products.

He probably makes more money doing that, in one year, than 90% of the world will see in a lifetime.

Remember: grownups did this. They invented this pizza. Securities analysts debated its merits. Journalists reported on it. Newspapers were printed to let us know about these developments in pizza technology. Millions of dollars were spent on advertising to let people know about the new pizza food product. But it didn't stop there:

Pizza Hut is seeking patents for the process, which Allan Huston, the chain's president and chief executive, said was at the razor edge of pizza-dough technology and mozzarella management. "It has to be crunchy outside and soft and yeasty inside so you get a great flavor hit," he said.

That's right, patents. Our government was complicit, devoting entire regulatory bodies and vast armies of of bureaucrats to helping an entity - more precisely, a Hut - defend its innovations in mozzarella management, so people could have a way to cram hot cheese into their fat fucking faces faster than ever before.

That was the day we, as a society, became too sick to save. The financial market collapse is just the natural progression of that disease.

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Chartsengrafs [Sep. 18th, 2008|11:08 pm]
cowofdoom
[Tags|, , ]

What can we conclude from these?



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Aspergers funtime. [Nov. 1st, 2007|12:00 pm]
cowofdoom
So. There is this self-test thing for aspergers that has been bouncing around my friends page.
Gaze with me into my navel, friendCollapse )
In the end, what this test really revealed to me was this: I'd like to go hiking and jump over things. Truly I have learned a lot about myself this day.
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Velociraptors do not give a fuck. [Aug. 15th, 2007|05:29 pm]
cowofdoom
an IRC conversation a few weeks ago:
<demoncow> VELOCIRAPTORS DO NOT GIVE A FUCK
<demoncow> go ahead and ask a velociraptor if it gives a fuck
<demoncow> it will phrase its response in the form of biting your face the fuck off
<demoncow> that is how velociraptors say "no"
<meowcow> hehe
<meowcow> where is that from
<demoncow> that is from me, telling you right now
<demoncow> that velociraptors do not give one single fuck
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alli™ - poop yourself thin! [Jul. 27th, 2007|02:15 pm]
cowofdoom

Yesterday Leah and I saw a strange commercial on TV.

It consists mostly of shots of Helpful Questions and Women In Action, in front of white backgrounds, looking determined and exercising and so on. The voiceover and text say things like: "It's time for a revolution. Are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you ready to make changes that stick? Are you ready to avoid eating too much fat?" And so on. "Man", I thought to myself, "Either this is a really good Public Service Announcement to help Americans stop being incredibly obese.. or.."

And then: "Are you ready... for alli?" Aha: it's a weight-loss drug. But I remember hearing about this from someone - it's been available over-the-counter in Australia since 2003. "This is the weight-loss drug that makes you shit your pants!" I laughed. Leah and I scrambled to The Internets to confirm this fact.

So, looking into the section entitled "how does it work?" we find this gem: the treatment effects page.

"Treatment effects". That is so beautiful. It's not just a clever euphemism for "side effects" - oh no, because these are the intended effects of the drug. The drug is designed to make you shit your pants. Shit yourself thin! The little brown pill that works wonders!

Let's examine this page further.

What are treatment effects?

alli™ works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects. You may get:
  • gas with oily spotting
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control

"oily spotting" is a phrase I'd like to never hear again, thank you. And "more frequent stools that may be hard to control" - at this point they're still pretending like you might not shit yourself uncontrollably. It's just, you know, possible that you'll be unable to keep from shitting yourself.

"Nothing to be alarmed about! You want to lose weight, don't you? Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs - a little bit of pants-shittery is a normal part of every weight-loss plan!"

Lies! Let me tell you this true fact: Once I was potty-trained - and believe me, it was an epic battle - I never shat myself again. Never! Pants-shitting is not normal behavior for anyone who has mastered the intricacies of using a cup.

And it goes on.Collapse )

Call me crazy, but rather than taking a pill and then checking for poop in my pants to tell whether foods are fatty, I might be tempted to read the information off the label. And maybe even exercise occasionally.

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Transformers: As much as meets the eye [Jul. 4th, 2007|02:14 am]
cowofdoom
Exactly as I had feared: god-fucking-awful. I hated every moment of this movie that was not Giant Robots Fighting. And the Michael Bay Shakycam Summer Thrillride Camera (brought to you by Xbox 360) even managed to ruin a bunch of that. It was worse than Fantastic Four - at least that movie was enjoyably, laughably bad. This was two-and-a-half long, uncomfortable, squirmy hours of Bad, punctuated with (admittedly, awesome) robot fights.

Every summer blockbuster movie cliche you ever hate is here. Yes gratuitous and ugly product placement. Yes all women are sexy & blonde & tan & wearing six-inch-heels. Yes unfunny catch phrases and clumsy pop-culture references. Yes cameo by unfunny comedian. Yes forced romance between unfunny nerdy lead and ridiculously sexified "high school girl" played by mid-20s girl. Yes needless backstory shoehorned into random characters soley to allow them Redemption from their Troubled Past. Yes stuff blowing up and people running away from them in slow motion. There is no better way to get your ass killed than to run away from something in slow motion.

And oh yes ass-rendingly awful made-up computer jargon - naturally this got to me worst of all. Why is there a "mainframe" on fucking Air Force One? And how would someone "put a virus" on it? And how is that weird squeaky noise a "virus"? And why, for shit's sake, does someone always shout "cut the hard line!!" WHERE IS THE FUCKING HARD LINE TO AIR FORCE ONE GUYS?? IT'S A PLANE I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU RAN A TELEPHONE WIRE ALL THE WAY UP THERE.

I am not a big fan of movie theaters to begin with - I don't like being forced to sit and be Advertised At for 20 minutes while I wait for the movie start, then sit through another 20 minutes of advertising for other movies. This time there were some projection problems so the movie start was delayed a extra 40 minutes. And you know what? I had more fun sitting in the theather with my friends for those 40 minutes than I did during the next two and a half hours.

Fuck you, Michael Bay. Fuck you, Transformers. Fuck you, Summer Blockbuster Movie Season.
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Falwell at the Gates of Heaven [May. 17th, 2007|12:40 pm]
cowofdoom
hazenhammel said:
I'm a "universalist", so I believe everyone has been redeemed by Jesus and spends eternity with God.

Now that Jerry Falwell is dead, though, I realize that could be a cruel fate for some.

I might have to rethink this.

To which kungfupolarbear responded:
Somehow I'm sure there's worse people already up there... like butt rapists or Attila the Hun.

To which I reply thusly:
Naw, Attila's cool. You'd like him. He's a really good gardener too. He's mellowed out a lot since being partially fused with Infinite Love and Compassion. A lot of folks do.

I gotta think it'll be about the same for the Rev. Falwell:

Rev. Falwell: O God.. O God I finally see, now. I was.. I was just a complete asshole, wasn't I?
GOD: YEAH, YOU KINDA WERE. WE ALL GOT A GOOD LAUGH OUT OF IT, THOUGH.
GOD: "I WONDER WHAT JERRY WILL SAY I HATE TODAY," I WOULD SAY UNTO MY ONLY SON..
Jesus: Yeah, and then you would tell people that I hated, like, Teletubbies or something. And we'd all have a good chuckle.
Rev. Falwell: O Lord Jesus, I am so, so very sorry that I was such a complete and utter douchebag in life.. can you-
Jesus: Naw, man, don't worry about it. You get it now. You forgot about the whole love and forgiveness thing, but - you know what? I love and forgive you, dude. Want some nachos? Holy Spirit just made 'em.

The Holy Spirit does most of the cooking, up in Heaven.
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And so it begins. [May. 1st, 2007|10:54 am]
cowofdoom
[Tags|, ]

I, too, got started "early" on reading Gravity's Rainbow.

Yes, I have joined the Gravity's Rainbow Death Pact. I'll go into the details of my previous encounters with this book later, but suffice it to say that this will be probably my 6th time through the first 100 pages or so.

Here's where it always starts to make me nervous:

"Pirate in the lavatory stands pissing, without a thought in his head."

It's on, I think, the third page in my edition. Of all the multitudinous ways the English language allows you to convey this thought, Pynchon has deliberately chosen this odd phrasing. Why? I have to assume that it's purely for the prose value. He wrote it like that simply because he likes the way it sounds.

In stark contrast I've been reading Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, and around page 15 of Gravity's Rainbow it occurs to me: if Vonnegut had written this it would be 150 pages long, tops. And I feel like nothing would be lost, at least of those 100 pages of Gravity's Rainbow I know so well. So much meandering self-indulgent "I liked the sound of this!" douchebaggery! How many made-up songs are sung in the first 20 pages alone? Four, I think? No wonder Laurie Anderson wanted to make it into an opera.

I will probably get used to Pynchon's aggressively prosaic style soon enough, and I can see how people might enjoy it, but it's shocking and unpleasant to make this transition straight from Vonnegut. I should have warmed up first.
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Happy Leahmas! Wee woo! [Apr. 6th, 2007|03:04 pm]
cowofdoom
It's cleahpatra's birthday today!

I recommend that everyone just get crazy with some sugary treats today, in honor of Her Royal Sweetness. Marshmallows are especially pleasing to her. So let's all raise a Peep in her honor!

Happy 28th birthday sugarbean! I love you bigtime!
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