Yesterday Leah and I saw a strange commercial on TV.
It consists mostly of shots of Helpful Questions and Women In Action, in front of white backgrounds, looking determined and exercising and so on. The voiceover and text say things like: "It's time for a revolution. Are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you ready to make changes that stick? Are you ready to avoid eating too much fat?" And so on. "Man", I thought to myself, "Either this is a really good Public Service Announcement to help Americans stop being incredibly obese.. or.."
And then: "Are you ready... for alli?" Aha: it's a weight-loss drug. But I remember hearing about this from someone - it's been available over-the-counter in Australia since 2003. "This is the weight-loss drug that makes you shit your pants!" I laughed. Leah and I scrambled to The Internets to confirm this fact.
So, looking into the section entitled "how does it work?" we find this gem: the treatment effects page.
"Treatment effects". That is so beautiful. It's not just a clever euphemism for "side effects" - oh no, because these are the intended effects of the drug. The drug is designed to make you shit your pants. Shit yourself thin! The little brown pill that works wonders!
Let's examine this page further.
What are treatment effects?alli™ works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects. You may get:
- gas with oily spotting
- loose stools
- more frequent stools that may be hard to control
"oily spotting" is a phrase I'd like to never hear again, thank you. And "more frequent stools that may be hard to control" - at this point they're still pretending like you might not shit yourself uncontrollably. It's just, you know, possible that you'll be unable to keep from shitting yourself.
"Nothing to be alarmed about! You want to lose weight, don't you? Well, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs - a little bit of pants-shittery is a normal part of every weight-loss plan!"
Lies! Let me tell you this true fact: Once I was potty-trained - and believe me, it was an epic battle - I never shat myself again. Never! Pants-shitting is not normal behavior for anyone who has mastered the intricacies of using a cup.
( And it goes on.Collapse )
Call me crazy, but rather than taking a pill and then checking for poop in my pants to tell whether foods are fatty, I might be tempted to read the information off the label. And maybe even exercise occasionally.